Firsts

As we survived our first night home I thought I would post again about the rest of the time we spent in the hospital.

The first day was great! Curt would change the diapers and I would breast feed. The second he was asleep we would crash and go to sleep until either he woke up or some of our family would drop by to see him. (We were so tired that I'm not exactly sure who all did come by and Curt was even worse!) He woke up once and said "how did those balloons get here? I guess my brother Michael isn't coming by after all," even though it was Mike that brought the balloons and he had visited with him about an hour before.

I got to take a shower finally and felt "like a new woman," in the words of the nurses. When I got out I had a nice surprise. There was my Dad and my Grandma and they were visiting with their new Grandson/ Great Grandson. (We were glad to see everyone else that came by it is just easier to remember the ones we have pictures of!) I have never been so tired in my whole life! I thought, Hey I was just a college student, I pulled all nighters, I can handle this... those are what are called "famous last words!" We were glad when someone would show up to take Lucas for a test or check up and we would again pass out.

Everything was going fine until they had to repeat a specific blood test, and then they had to do it again, and again. His blood kept clotting or something so they had to draw blood four times. Then at 4AM Thursday morning the nurse comes in to say that his white blood cell count is high so it means he is fighting off an infection so he would be getting an IV put in his little arm and would be getting antibiotics every 12 hours. When he came back he had his arm all wrapped up with the catheter sticking out so that they wouldn't have to stick him again. They also took blood from me and because I lost a good amount of blood I am a little anemic right now so I have to take iron twice a day.

After being poked and stuck I couldn't get Lucas to latch on to feed. Every time I offered him my breast he would shake around like I was trying to hurt him. I had nurses help me, and saw the lactation consultants several times but I couldn't ever get him to nurse. I was getting frustrated and he was getting hungry. His little nose was also stuffy so they put these saline drops in his nose and suctioned it out. (which later on his pediatrician said to not let anyone suction his nose!!!) Because of the meconium they had to stick tubes down his nose as soon as he was born so of course his poor little nose was aggravated!

By Thursday night I was frustrated, Curt was frustrated, and Lucas was frustrated and hungry. Our nurse Eleanor saw how crazy we were going and told me "it is not a crime to give him a bottle, just let me know." I think part of me was waiting for someone to suggest that. I had been trying ALL Day to get him to nurse again but it just wasn't working. My poor baby was just so hungry and so tired of being poked and messed with. So with tears in my eyes I requested my first bottle of formula.

I don't care what anyone had to say but I still felt like the worst mom ever. I couldn't feed my own son! At first he didn't like the bottle either and it made me secretly happy! Luckily around this time Lisa and my mom came by. Like I said earlier going through labor you get over being naked in public. There I was with my breasts out while my mom was encouraging me and showing me different holds. Of course it was a little strange at first to hear something like "Good for you, you have great nipples," of course this had every one laughing and was great to relieve the tension. With her help I got him to suck for a little while. I felt relieved. I could still feed my baby! Also, Lisa had brought me something that my friend Brandi wrote and it was just the perfect time to read it. It meant so much to me!

As it started to get dark outside we settled in to try and get some more sleep and hoped that our routine from our first night would work. Curt would change him then hand him to me and I would nurse him and he would go to sleep. This didn't happen. Of course it didn't help that his IV in his little arm was no longer working so they put it in his little foot instead. This poor guy had a rough two days!

There we were later Thursday night with Lucas crying and me crying because he wouldn't nurse. Curt finally told me to get him another bottle and since I was so exhausted and now getting a bad cold I dialed the nurse's number with shaky hands. When she came in she saw that I was upset and I explained the situation. She tried to help me nurse again and it still didn't work. She encouraged me to keep trying and as she left I was so exhausted I feel asleep and just let Curt take over.

I remember waking up and seeing Curt feeding Lucas and talking to him and at first I was really touched. They looked so cute together. Then I was jealous. There he was feeding him and I couldn't get him to nurse now even though the day before it seemed so easy. Then I just started to cry because no longer did he just been given the one bottle, here was bottle number two and he liked it. I was crying and congested from my cold and I just felt so low. I realized the first thing I was learning being a new mother is guilt. I was sure that I was ruining my son's life already. That I was already destined to be a failure as a mom and Curt was already Dad of the year.

I had to pee so I decided to get up and go and take a shower and maybe I would feel better. While I was in the bathroom I had my first poop! Things were starting to look up. I'm sorry anyone who hasn't had a baby just won't understand this, and I remember reading about it in all the baby books but you just don't know the fear of your first bowel movement. I was so scared that my insides would fall out. I ended up taking a long hot shower and then going back to bed. I realized I just had to relax and the most important thing was that for now Lucas seemed happy and with Curt taking care of him I could get some sleep.

Friday was a lot better then Thursday. We finally found out we could go home! We spent most of the day waiting to get released. I also met with the lactation consultant again who assured me that I wasn't doing anything wrong and that since I nursed the first day that it was probably Lucas being poked and messed with and he was just too exhausted to nurse and that once my milk came in things would get easier. She also suggested we rent an electric pump which we did. So now I pump (what seems like all day long) and add the colostrum to his formula. I have to keep pumping for my milk to come in.

While we waited to get discharged Lucas had a hearing test (which he passed) and Curt went and tracked the car down and took part of our bags down and moved the car closer to the front of the hospital. I got dressed in non maternity jeans and looked at myself in the mirror as I thought about how many strangers would ask me "when are you due?" Hopefully they can tell from my face that I am a new mom and no longer a mom to be.


We were finally discharged and Curt was so happy to be able to put Lucas in his going home outfit. Ever since Lucas was born Curt wanted to dress him in the clothes we brought for him. It really was funny watching him try to figure out all the snaps and which way things went on. Lucas was all dressed up with no where to go. We couldn't just leave, we had to wait for a wheelchair to wheel me downstairs. It just didn't seem real that we were finally going home and that they were letting us take this little guy home! Didn't they know Curt still watches cartoons and that if I had my way I would never get up before noon?


This will go into his little memory box because I don't think it will fit him much longer. As soon as we got him home we put him into a little t-shirt and swaddled him in a blanket. He just seems so much happier to be home. He loves his crib. We put him in there while he sleeps during the day and last night he slept with us. I'm still pumping away and adding the colostrum to his bottles. Last night I was able to get him to latch on and suck for a little bit and there I was crying again but only this time they were tears of joy. I'm committed to being able to breastfeed! Especially since on the back of the bottle of formula it says "breast milk is best". I just don't know how I am going to do monday when Curt goes back to work. We are such a good team. I think things will get easier once I am no longer sick.