I just want MY mommy

Today was the first time since his appointment last Friday that I have been home alone all day with Lucas. It was so strange that my main focus is to get Lucas to eat as much as possible (so much so I kept a list of every time I nursed him, gave him a bottle, gave him baby food, and each time he pooped or had a wet diaper). I'm so scared that this whole formula thing is going to be destructive to my milk supply (and I think it is starting to happen). He seems to be nursing for shorter and shorter times at each feeding. After I nurse him I try to get him to nurse a tiny bit more before I give him his formula. I really hate giving him a bottle right after nursing him it is like a reminder every few hours of his weight loss which to me equals my failure. I feel like I did the first week after he was born where my mood changes every few minutes. I'll be fine and then a few minutes or hours later I can't keep myself from crying.

Curt has been great since I sat him down last night and explained why I wanted to throw a shoe at him. He randomly called me today just to say hi and sent me an "I love you" text message. He asked me a million times tonight "what's wrong?" If I answered "nothing" he would just give me this look like he could tell I was lying so finally I just start saying "I just feel sad."

Of course it doesn't help that our day is totally thrown out of whack. The formula keeps him sleeping for longer periods of time so his schedule is totally gone. His naps are thrown off and he took one at 5pm and slept until 7 only to stay up until after 9:00 PM. I have been covered in nasty formula spit up more than I can count (one time it was in my hair) and then there are the millions of green poop diapers (except today they are more of a brownish color).

I think I'm getting a little stir crazy but I feel like I can't take him out of the house because I might miss an opportunity to nurse him. I think I'm going to wake him up to nurse and just get out of the house and go to the store (we need toilet paper anyway and I think I need something in chocolate). I don't want anyone to be worried about me. Honestly I am only talking about the lower points of my day because I need a place to vent. I'm hanging in there and Wednesday will be here before I know it.