Lucas is 6 Months Old Today

I've been sitting here staring and watching the little cursor blinking trying to figure out how to put down everything I am feeling into words so I can make everyone understand why I am sitting here with tears running down my face but I don't know if I can or not. So I am deciding to stop thinking and just write.

Lucas is 6 months old today... that is a half of a year! He is halfway to not being a baby anymore and being a toddler. All week long I've been excited for this day to come... not so much because he was turning the big 6 months but because 6 months meant another trip to the doctor for a well baby check up so I could see how much my little baby has grown. He's been eating like a little piggy so I just new he had to have put on at least 2 lbs plus every time I see my Mom the first thing she says is how much he has grown since the last time she saw him!

At Lucas' pediatrician when you arrive you have to fill out a form that goes into their chart checking off what they eat (breastmilk and some solids) and then checking off some of the things developmentally they do (like respond to voices, sit unsupported) while you wait to be called for a private room. Each room is painted with a different theme. (I should have known there was something off when we got the Simba and Nala Lion King room and not our usual Pinocchio room.) Then the nurse leaves for a few minutes to strip your kid down to socks and a clean dry diaper before his head circumference (17 inches) and weight measurements are taken. When she put Lucas in the scale and said he was 12 lbs 8 oz my heart sank, (at 4 months he was 13 lbs 2 oz) I didn't say anything then though secretly hoping that I had heard her wrong. I knew Lucas losing weight was not a good thing so I waited for the Dr trying to keep myself calm.

Since normally Lucas is napping about 3:30 he started to get fussy waiting for his Dr to come in so I nursed him a little. The walls are really thin and I could hear him talking to a Mom in the next room and I knew I would have time to cover up because I heard him walk out of the room and pick up Lucas' chart to look at it. The first question that the Dr asked me was "you haven't been here since he was 2 weeks old?" and I realized the office staff must have finally found his long lost chart and misplaced his second one. So Dr.Ramos sent someone to find it. He sat down in front of Lucas and I and smiled and asked me how much he weighed at his 4 month appointment. When I told him 13 lbs 2 oz he went and told his staff he NEEDED Lucas' chart now and the sweet nurse that weighed him took him and weighed him again to make sure. She came back and said she had zeroed the scale and he still weighed 12 lbs 8 oz. At this point I was still trying to stay calm and all I could think was "don't cry don't cry!"

Dr. Ramos asked if he was crawling yet as I told him "well he tries to, he kicks his feet out" I thought to myself oh great he's supposed to be crawling and he is not before I realized DUH he is trying to find out a reason for his weight loss. Crawling would explain it because he would be burning up extra calories like crazy. Then he asked about his feeding schedule (every 3-4 hours and he still wakes up at night and I nurse him) and his poops (making sure they weren't watery or green... which they haven't been). Then he plotted out his weight gain and lack there of since he was born for me to see. He said he might be a little concerned with no weight gain but weight loss at his age was a big cause for his concern (which I understand and even though 8 oz doesn't sound like a lot in the scheme of things to a baby it is a whole lot...) Then he told me he wanted me to start supplementing.

Okay when he said supplementing I was wondering if he meant giving Lucas formula as well as still nursing him. If it was any other pediatrician I would have known that is what he meant but Dr.Ramos is VERY pro-breastfeeding. So much so that I know of some people who switched doctors for this reason because they were formula feeding... not because Dr. Ramos was mean or anything just because he had a whole different philosophy then they did. Also, at Lucas' 4 month checkup Dr. Ramos applauded both Lucas and I for still breastfeeding. So when he tells me that I need to supplement I was a little confused.

While he explained to me that he wanted me to keep nursing like I was and then after each time I nursed to offer him 2 oz of this expensive high calorie formula he was going to send home with me. At this point I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and the sweet nurse handed me two tissues. Dr. Ramos explained that he needed to make sure that Lucas' weight loss was due to not getting enough calories to rule out any underlying causes. I am supposed to go there at 9:30 wednesday to recheck his weight. He also held off on giving Lucas his booster shots until after we figured out what was going on. At this point I was crying. When the nurse handed me the tissues I just couldn't stop crying. After making sure I was okay Dr. Ramos and his nurse left and I put Lucas back into his clothes and kissed him over and over.

On the way to the lobby the sweet nurse pulled me aside and said "I know that formula is expensive if you run out before Wednesday come see me and I'll get you some more. It will be okay and I'll see you Wednesday." Then I saw Dr. Ramos one more time and he told me "it will all work out we'll figure out what is going on." When I got to the lobby I had to make an appointment and hearing what happened one of the office ladies came up to me and said "the same thing happened to me and it broke my heart. Go home and have yourself a good cry and we'll see you on Wednesday." I really love everyone in that office and I feel like I have the best pediatrician for Lucas.

When I got to the car I put Lucas in his car seat and the tears just came harder and faster. I climbed into the car and called my Mommy before I called anyone else. Then while I was talking to her Curt beeped in and I took his call and filled him in on what was going on. He begged me to stop crying because he was worried about me driving home. I got off the phone with him and talked to Lisa and Crystal. Everyone was really supportive and great. Thanks everyone.

Now I am going to try to explain why I was and still am crying. Breastfeeding for me in the beginning was harder than labor. First Lucas was sick and I had to pump to keep up my milk supply. It was hard after giving him bottles of breastmilk his first week to get him to latch on. Then I had to deal with the worst pain as I learned how to get him positioned right. I think for the first month I was on Tylenol a good bit of the time. Then I dealt with having two clogged ducts. I got all over that and finally I feel comfortable and happy with nursing and actually enjoy it and then I learn that I might not be feeding my baby enough. It almost feels like all of my hard work was for nothing. This is the part I don't know how to put into words. I feel like a failure, like I'm the reason why Lucas isn't growing like he should. The hardest part is trying to explain to Curt why I am crying. I just can't. He has never breastfed and right now my crying is frustrating him... only because he is a fixer and there is no way he can "fix" me (get me to stop crying and cheer me up) right now and that is driving me crazy. I'm not crying because I am worried about Lucas and the whole weight thing (I am don't get me wrong) it is more about me feeling like I'm not or didn't do something right. I feel like this whole thing is on my shoulders (even though I know deep down it isn't my fault) because for the last months I have been feeding him. So I know he will be ok. Breastfeeding is just so much more than just a way I choose to feed him. There is this emotional part to it that I'm not sure anyone can understand unless they've done it (not putting anyone down by saying this). It's just like I can sympathize with someone who has lost a parent but I will never know what it is really like until it happens to me. So that is where I am coming from... I just feel really low right now.

When we got home I nursed Lucas and gave him his first bottle of formula and he sucked it down. Honestly that made me feel good that he wasn't rejecting it but at the same time only made me feel worse because of how much he seemed to enjoy it. Then I laid him down for a short nap and ate dinner. He was already back awake within 30 minutes so I got him out of his crib and played with him. I couldn't understand why he was so happy, didn't he know that his Mommy was failing him. He kept smiling at me and laughing and for the first time in almost two weeks since he started teething he gave me his big slobbery baby kisses again. I dressed him in his PJs and as soon as he was all zipped up he spits up stinky formula all over them. Since he was in such a good mood I took a few pictures. I knew that in a few days when I wasn't so sad I would regret not taking any pictures of him at 6 months old. I put him in another pair of PJ's Then I read him his bedtime story, sang him his prayers, kissed him good night and walked out. I put on my PJ's and laid on the couch and cried myself to sleep. (Curt went into the bedroom because he was still frustrated because he couldn't "fix me") I got a good two hour nap in and feel a little better after some sleep and a good cry (even though I still feel a little sleepy and weepy.

I'm getting ready to go wake up Lucas to nurse him. He seems to be sleeping longer on the formula (which makes sense since I've heard it takes longer to digest) and the last thing I want now is for my milk supply to drop. Please keep us in your prayers. Now that I had my good cry I am trying to get positive and I'm trying not to worry until we go back to his next appointment.