This last week has been one of the most challenging weeks to date. Since your 6 week checkup and hearing that you lost weight I have been agonizing over the millions of things I might have did wrong that made you lose weight. It didn't matter to me how many times everyone told me you would be okay or you would bounce back(I never doubted you would) I just felt (and still do) feel responsible for your weight loss. I'm your Mom... I've been your primary source of food for the last 6 months and when you lost weight it hit me hard.
You have been the been the happiest and hungriest baby that I have ever met. You ate (and still do) all the time and whenever you were hungry I certainly nursed you and your Dad fed you your fruits and veggies. We were shocked to hear that you had even lost weight in the first place and then on top of that I had to give you bottles of stinky formula. Yes I have given you formula a few times in the past but it is one thing to have given it to you a few times when you were first born and too sick to nurse and another to be told I had to give you formula because the the current feeding method (nursing) just wasn't cutting it (although nobody said it quite like that). My whole sadness revolved around the guilt I felt that you lost weight and I had to supplement with formula.
When we told everyone today that you had gained weight (you are now 13 lbs even) a few people actually said to me "see your breastmilk just wasn't giving him what he needed," and I have never wanted to throw a shoe at a person more. Happy to say that you only have to have formula for another week (I don't think people realized you were only getting 8 ounces of the stuff a day and your Doctor told me that I can give you even less than that.) The whole point of the formula was to make sure that you could gain weight in a short period of time to make sure there was nothing wrong. We go back next Wednesday to weigh you again.
Through everything you were your normal happy self. I was very sad all week and I would look down at you and you'd be smiling and laughing and wanting to play and I would just think to myself "doesn't he know that I've been failing him, how can he look at me like that." I think in your own way you were trying to say "Hey Mom! I'm okay! I'm happy and loved and I'm not going hungry, we just had an off week." I realize now that I have spent the last six months learning to listen to you through your crying that I forgot that it is just as important to listen to you through your laughter.
Today was such an awesome day especially compared to the stress of last week. Today as if gaining weight wasn't a big enough accomplishment you did four new things. First off you taught yourself three new games while we were waiting in the Pinocchio room... the "Wow you mean if I drop this toy then my mommy will pick it up over and over again" game. Then there is the "If I punch my Old Navy Bear Rattle then it will make noise just like when I shake it" game and related to that is the "Wow beating things with other things makes really cool noises" game. Then to top that all off you said "Ba" for the first time. Okay I know "ba" isn't exactly your first word and that you were just test driving one of your constant sounds out... but "ba" sounds a lot like "ma" so there is hope that you'll be saying "mama" before I know it and then you might say it before "dada"...(not that it is a competition or anything... but after all I did give birth to you... and I was in labor with you from a Monday to a Wednesday and you do sort of owe me since you have yet to pee on your Dad.)
You and Jadie are still the best of friends. Ever since you started to eat solids on a full time basis I think she even likes you more. She is always standing by hoping that we will say "Okay Jadie clean Lucas up!" She always looks a little disappointed when we pick you up and take you off to give you a bath instead. I'm sure before we know it you'll be slipping her things that you don't want to eat (she has already eaten your greenbeans for you).
Another one of our new things is that while I am cleaning the kitchen (which I used to do while you napped) I pull your swing into the dining room, turn on itunes, and while I load the dishwasher and wipe off the counters I sing along with whatever song randomly plays. You just love this and laugh and bang along and before we know it the kitchen is clean. Also, if you are crying and bored with my old tricks of getting you to cheer up (Jadie or the TV remote... both of which you are still trying to put in your mouth) then we twirl around the room to some music and before I know it you are laughing along and trying to grab my hair. Speaking of hair... PLEASE STOP PULLING IT AND TRYING TO EAT IT! For a little baby you sure have one mean death grip when you want to put something in your mouth! Maybe that is the problem you just burn up so much energy trying to eat things that won't make you gain weight!
Well my Boogs, I love you to the moon and back,
Mama
(and as long as you are gaining weight still I'll totally be fine if you say "Dada" first)
2 comments:
I know it's been discouraging, but you don't have to give up on the nursing. Lucas can still reap the immunity benefits from it, even if it's done along with a "formula boost" as the doctor prescribes. If you're surrounded by folks who didn't breastfeed, you probably aren't hearing a lot of positive things because the personal experience isn't there to encourage you with, and a lot of people may be uncomfortable with the whole breastfeeding thing to begin with. You may even feel a little alone with the whole deal, but you're not. I nursed Jessica for a long time, and hope to nurse the next one as well. And if I have to supplement with other stuff, too, so be it. Hope that encourages you some.
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