Dear Lucas (95 weeks),

We got up pretty late this morning and I think we would have slept well past 10 if the phone hadn't woken both of us up at 9:45 AM. You spent a large chunk of last night awake and throwing up on me. Every time you would have to throw up your eyes would get wide and you would look horrified at me like "Mommy, can't you make this stop?" When you would finish throwing up you would start begging for something to drink. It was so hard trying to explain to you that I couldn't give you anything because you would just throw up again. The one time I gave in to your desperate cries I ended up covered in a puddle of throw up five minutes later. I ended up putting you in your little rocking chair and rocking you while rubbing your hair. When I would stop rubbing your hair you would reach up and put my hand back on your head and that was your way of telling me I wasn't allowed to stop yet.

The first thing you did when you got up this morning was beg for a sippy of milk. I gave you a glass of water instead and you sucked it down in a matter or seconds. You asked for more and you were not happy when I made you wait for a few more minutes. I was scared that you would throw up again just from how fast you were drinking. I ended up making you a piece of dry toast and you gobbled that up and begged for me. I ended up giving you more water and another piece of toast followed by a banana. You haven't thrown up all day and you even ate shrimp and chicken quesadillas with guacamole for dinner tonight with no problem.

I can handle be thrown up on all day long but what I cannot handle is when you get sick and whine. Today was probably the worst day of whining you have ever had and I must admit I thought about throwing you out the window at least once today. Thank goodness for your blocks or I might have really pitched you out the window (okay not really but when you have kids and they whine you will SOOO understand!) Even though you haven't played with your blocks for about a month now you asked for them. (I put them up where you couldn't get them because you have a habit of throwing them all over the house and I have a habit of stepping on them in the middle of the night.) You ended up sitting in the floor building towers for a few whine free minutes. There are now blocks in ever single room of our house. I guess after five minutes of quietly building towers you realized it wasn't nearly as fun as throwing blocks and whining at the top of your lungs.

You ended up finding a few plastic gold coins that were sent home in a goodie bag from a birthday party we went to a while ago. I was surprised to see them because I thought I threw them all away since you had a habit of putting them in your mouth. I could tell you were still not feeling good when you tried to put them in your mouth and actually listened to me when I told you "no!"

We ended up counting them over and over "1, 2, 3, 4, 5" and after a while when I would finish saying "...4.." you would yell out "5!" This kept on even after you dropped one coin behind the bed and we only had 4 coins... you would still enthusiastically yell out "5!" I guess the actual counting thing kicks in after you learn your numbers. I have a feeling you are going to think every number is "5" from now on just like lately every number is "p!"

Right before you went to bed I ended up losing my patience with you. You were doing something you weren't supposed to and when I told you "no" you smacked me in the face. When I held you hand and told you "we don't hit" you purposely spit in my face and when I put my fingers lightly on your mouth you waited for me to remove them and you spit again. I don't think I have ever felt that much anger towards you in my life. I hated being that angry and I felt so out of control. I ended up popping you on the lips pretty hard and as soon as I did it I felt so guilty, of course it didn't even phase you, just made you spit again. Looking back I know part of it came from you being tired and sick and not yourself. I have never seen you be that defiant before (I'm sure it isn't the last time.) I should have put you in time out. I realized today that time outs are just as much as for you to cool off and calm down as they are for me. You ended up realizing that I was pretty angry and you gave me a hug and I apologized for losing my temper (I'm sure it isn't that last time either.) I hope you start feeling better soon so we can get out of the house. I'm sure that would do both of us some good.

Bugga, I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy