Dear Lucas (28 weeks),

This morning you had another weight check and I started the day pretty optimistic. I just KNEW you weighed at least 14 lbs. I swear to me it looks like you are getting a little "baby fat" on your legs and arms... but when you were weighed you had only gained 3/4 of an ounce. So now you are officially 13 lbs and .75 ounces. So at 28 weeks you still aren't back up to your 4 month weight. Still a gain is a gain and I thought we would be told "good job" and sent on our way.

Instead we were ushered into a patient room and told that "he looks great, he has good muscle tone, seems active and alert, and happy... BUT we need him to gain weight." So now you are supposed to get solids 3 times a day and even more formula then ever before (3 ounces every time I nurse you)! I was also mildly lectured about keeping a hat on your head... which we never do... maybe all your weight is escaping out of the top of your head! I am so frustrated with the formula thing! I am trying to keep up my milk supply here and nurse you but I feel like no matter how hard I try it just isn't cutting it! On Friday you will have been on formula for three weeks. I wish they would just say "he just needs to be supplemented from now on" instead of all of this "give him formula for another week and come back for another weight check." I can't keep living like this week to week!

I am so obsessed now with each bite of food you eat, each time you nurse, and with every ounce of formula you drink. This last week we barely left the house as it was because I was so scared I would miss an opportunity to nurse you. After your appointment I talked to someone at La Leche League and they basically told me that I needed to increase the amount of hindmilk you get... which I already knew and have tried to do. Then I talked to the lactation consultant that I saw while I was in the hospital after giving birth to you. She suggested I take Fenugreek. It is a natural herb that increasing milk supply and I am supposed to be able to see a difference in about 2 days.

I am willing to try anything to be able to keep nursing... I've come this far and I'm not going to give up just yet (although sometimes I feel pretty close) so we went to GNC and picked up a bottle of Fenugreek. I googled it online and the side effects are it makes your pee and sweat smell like maple syrup. I have a feeling after this my new found love for waffles will be short lived. Since I was at the mall anyway I decided to stop in Old Navy and return a shirt that I bought last month that was too big for me (I never try anything on now if you are with me... too hard to maneuver the stroller into a dressing room) and decided to pick up a hat for you (you know to keep the weight from escaping out of your head!) I found the cutest blue striped hat and it was on sale!

Your new hat is dark blue with light blue stripes and it makes your eyes pop! Also, I love the way it pushes out your little ears and makes you look like a little elf. Your Grandma Valeri pointed out that I could pull the hat over your ears... but I think I like the baby elf look more.

Today when your Dad got home from work as soon as I saw him I burst into tears. This time instead of trying to "fix me" he pulled me close and just let me cry on his shoulder. I asked him "What am I doing wrong?" and he told me that I was doing everything right...(I didn't smoke, drink, or do drugs while I was pregnant... not that I am doing them now either. When I was pregnant and I was told I could get high blood pressure I changed my diet and cut out processed foods. I don't give you bottles of soda or kool aid and I never run with scissors.) I just don't get it! Then I asked him "How is all of this fair? We are doing everything we are supposed to." and he said "I don't know" and for once I felt better. I guess this has all been another lesson in "life isn't fair."

Through all of this you are still remaining your normal happy self. You still sleep with your blanket person. You still love the glowing smile of your glo worm. You still love to get kisses. You still love to get tickled. You are still trying to figure out a way to eat Jadie. You still give your Daddy the majority of your focus when he gets home from work. You still look up at me like I am the coolest person in the world! You still are "talking with your legs." You still are the cutest baby in the world.

Ever since you said "ba" last week I've been calling you "baba" (like papa but with b's) hoping you would repeat it... but you just laugh at me like "ha ha Mom I can't believe I got you to say it" I don't care if you ever learn to talk... just please gain some weight... if you don't do it for yourself... do if for me and the preservation of my sanity!

Boogs, I love you to the moon and back!

Mama