I know it's been a while since I updated. Mostly because I don't know what to say other than "blah blah blah I can't get pregnant blah blah blah" I feel like now I am just whining when I talk about it.
I had an appointment back in June. The doctor put me on Metformin for my insulin resistance. I take it 2x a day. I'm also supposed to check my blood sugar before I eat breakfast and after dinner. In the beginning I did like I was supposed to with checking my blood sugar but now I don't check it as much as I should. I hate needles and doing it 2x a day sucks. So far my blood sugar has been awesome on the Metformin. I haven't had any bad side effects which is a plus.
I finished a cycle with the higher dosage or clomid a few weeks ago. I've lost track of what cycle I am on.... I'm so tired to keeping track of things. I was supposed to test on a Friday but didn't see the point. I knew I would get a negative test. I didn't see the point of wasting the money. A few days later I took a test just in case.... I shouldn't have bothered. I've become very cynical about the whole thing.
In the middle of the last round Curt and I had a heart to heart. I cried about how life isn't fair and he held me and told me that he was happy with our life and if it was just us three he's okay with that. Except I'm not.... but I don't think I have the strength to keep trying.
I go back to the doctor this week again. I am dreading it.... I know I've said that I was ready to take a break from all the trying before but I really mean it this time. I just don't have the strength to keep going down this road. I am also not looking forward to hear any "oh I'm sure now that you stopped trying it will happen for you" or "your time is coming."
I am fine around people that are pregnant or that have cute little chubby babies. I can shop for baby gifts for friends and find pleasure in it. The times when it is the hardest is when I am all alone long after Curt and Lucas are asleep. It's the quietness that gets me and gives me time to think. See, I should have just stopped after "blah blah blah"