Worn

I've been feeling a little bit worn down lately. It's strange how I'll be fine for months and think that I am "over" this whole baby thing. Then unexpectedly someone will announce that they are pregnant or invite me to a baby shower, or a first birthday and then it's just another reminder that we are not doing any of those things.    Then there are other times that those things don't bother me at all. There is one thing that always hurts my heart.  Lucas will randomly talk about being a big brother. Lately he wants to know why he is the only one he knows that isn't a big brother. It seems like right now we are surrounded by babies and pregnant ladies.

My sister is pregnant again and it just feels so bitter sweet. I am so happy and excited for her and my brother-in-law. They are fabulous parents and they make beautiful babies. I already love the little one growing in her belly. But I also know I'm building up my walls preparing for all the questions that will come along with friends and extended family that probably have no clue that we've been trying to have another baby for so long. "Oh my gosh, aren't you so excited to be an aunt again?" "Well, when are YOU going to have another baby?" "Your brother has 4 kids now and soon your sister will have 3, when are you going to catch up?" I know they are coming because I heard them (and more) when my brother and his wife were expecting their fourth child.  Don't get me wrong I KNOW people mean well but hearing those things is like rubbing salt in a wound. 

The thing that makes me the most sad is that I know my sister is going to be concerned about hurting me. I don't want to steal even an ounce of her joy. I don't want her to feel guilty over anything or feel like she can't share this part of her life with me to protect my feelings. 

Music is the one thing that always seems to help. If I'm having a rough time I can put in my earphones, crank up my music and shut the world out. Last week during one of my lowest days I heard this song on the radio and I've been listening to it on repeat ever since. 

It is What it is

I know it's been a while since I updated. Mostly because I don't know what to say other than "blah blah blah I can't get pregnant blah blah blah" I feel like now I am just whining when I talk about it.

I had an appointment back in June. The doctor put me on Metformin for my insulin resistance. I take it 2x a day. I'm also supposed to check my blood sugar before I eat breakfast and after dinner. In the beginning I did like I was supposed to with checking my blood sugar but now I don't check it as much as I should. I hate needles and doing it 2x a day sucks. So far my blood sugar has been awesome on the Metformin. I haven't had any bad side effects which is a plus.

I finished a cycle with the higher dosage or clomid a few weeks ago. I've lost track of what cycle I am on.... I'm so tired to keeping track of things. I was supposed to test on a Friday but didn't see the point. I knew I would get a negative test. I didn't see the point of wasting the money. A few days later I took a test just in case.... I shouldn't have bothered. I've become very cynical about the whole thing.

In the middle of the last round Curt and I had a heart to heart. I cried about how life isn't fair and he held me and told me that he was happy with our life and if it was just us three he's okay with that. Except I'm not.... but I don't think I have the strength to keep trying.

I go back to the doctor this week again. I am dreading it.... I know I've said that I was ready to take a break from all the trying before but I really mean it this time. I just don't have the strength to keep going down this road. I am also not looking forward to hear any "oh I'm sure now that you stopped trying it will happen for you" or "your time is coming."

I am fine around people that are pregnant or that have cute little chubby babies. I can shop for baby gifts for friends and find pleasure in it. The times when it is the hardest is when I am all alone long after Curt and Lucas are asleep. It's the quietness that gets me and gives me time to think. See, I should have just stopped after "blah blah blah"

Game On

I went to my Doctors appointment on Thursday and he suggested putting me on Metformin, which I had been planning on asking about anyway. However, before I can be put on Metformin I had to get some blood work done. He also wanted me to stay on Clomid because it is supposed to work even better paired with Metformin. I decided to give it another shot and he doubled my dose.

On Friday I went and had my blood drawn (and I still have the bruises to prove it!) I was sent for three tests.

1. A1C test ( it is like a 2-3 month average blood sugar)
2. 2 Hour Glucose test (test in which glucose is given and blood samples taken afterward to determine how quickly it is cleared from the blood)
3. Insulin Fast (A fasting serum insulin level of greater than the upper limit of normal for the assay used (approximately 60 pmol/L) is considered evidence of insulin resistance)

My doctor wants to see me in 30 days to discuss the results from the blood tests and decide if I need Metformin or not. In the meantime I had to start taking Provera again because my period did not start on it's own like it did during the last cycle. So here we go again.

Conversation on the Way to School

"Mommy, I really hope I can get a baby brother or sister one day."

"Me too baby, me too!"

"M-O-M, you already have a brother AND a sister!"

"No, I meant I really hope you get a baby brother or sister one day"

"Ohhhh!!!"

"We're trying really hard to make that happen. That's why Mommy has been going to the doctor and taking those medication. It's hard for Mommy to get pregnant. That's why you are such a special blessing."

"Oh, that's why you had to go to the hospital and have your blood taken?"

"Yes"

"Mommy, I hope when I was a baby I didn't drink all of your milk up and that's why you can't have another baby"

(While holding back tears) "No sweetheart. When a Mommy has a baby their bodies start making milk right then for that baby. A baby can't drink up ALL the milk."

"OK, that's good!"

The 2,000th Post

This is my 2,000th post!!!!

On Wednesday I am supposed to take a pregnancy test. I honestly don't "feel" pregnant but I guess we will see. (I did cheat a take a test this morning and it was negative so it is a pretty safe bet to say that I am not pregnant. For the first time in a long time though I was fine with the results. It hasn't ruined my day and I didn't even tear up) I have an appointment with my Doctor on Thursday morning. Originally the plan was that if I was not pregnant after 3 cycles on clomid he would up the dosage. However, as of right now I don't think I want to take any more Clomid. I'm not saying I won't give clomid anther go in the future just not right now. We still would love to have another baby but I think I need a take a few steps back and regroup. So for now we are still trying just without fertility drugs, charts, ovulation tests, and scheduled "dates" with my husband.

Last year when we started this process I thought we would be pregnant by now (and in all honesty I that I would be already holding a baby in my arms.) A few months ago I read the quote, "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans," and I guess that is pretty appropriate in this situation. I know I've said this before but these last few months have really been a roller coaster ride. I got so caught up in doing EVERYTHING by the book and each time I finished a cycle I would be so heartbroken when I wasn't pregnant. I just can't live like that.

I know it is cliche but I am really trying to embrace the mantra "let go and let God." After all Lucas was a huge surprise. I was just about to Graduate from college and enter the working world. I was shocked when I found out that I was pregnant because I wasn't ready. I didn't want kids just yet. Here I am going on 6 years as a stay-at-home mom and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So on Thursday the plan is to ask the doctor if there is a medication that will help me live with PCOS a little easier. I have been researching on my own and I am hoping he will put me on metformin (glucophage.) If he doesn't feel like that is not an option for me and there is nothing out there that will work to keep my hormones in check, it is a possibility that I will ask to be put back on birth control. I've prayed about all of this and I feel at peace with this decision.

As always Curtis is being so supportive. He would love another child as well but he is okay if it is not in the cards for us. He just hates seeing me upset or stressed. He's even told me to just pretend that I don't have PCOS and the reason we are having difficulty getting pregnant is that it is all his fault, just so I won't feel sad.

We still have so much to look forward to this year. Lucas gets out of school in five weeks and we have a whole summer of fun ahead of us. Lucas will turn 6 on July 27th. Our 10th wedding anniversary is August 10th. Lucas will get a new cousin in October. Then I turn the big 30 on January 1st.

What to Expect When You are NOT Expecting

Our third round of Clomid is nearing the end. Luckily I haven't dealt with any real bad side effects this month. I need to make an appointment to go see the Doctor in a few weeks. Originally the plan was to get a higher dosage of Clomid if the first 3 cycles don't work but I keep going back and forth on what I want to do next. Some days I am DONE and I just want to go back to our life before we started trying for a baby. Just when I start to feel okay with no longer trying then I will find out that a friend is pregnant or see a new baby or notice siblings playing and my heart will start aching.

This has been such a roller coaster ride. I didn't know before starting this journey just how hard this would be emotionally. Even though I'm not pregnant this whole process hasn't been all bad. It has brought Curt and I are even closer. It is also strengthening my Faith. I've gotten back into doing devotions and I've been trying to rely on God for comfort even though I've had more than my share of "Really, God?!" moments and I'm still struggling with them.

Another hard part of this whole process is learning to ignore people's comments. I know so many friends and family mean well but sometimes I can't get over what people say without thinking. I don't mind answering questions about how things are going and I appreciate prayers and words of support but some things are better left unsaid. Here are just a few of the ones I remember off the top of my hear:

*"Why aren't you pregnant yet?" (Because trying is so much fun)

*"You just need to have more sex" (What? Sex? We haven't thought of trying yet. Thanks!)

*"Just relax and let it happen" (Right because THAT is how you make a baby)

*"I understand what you are going through, it took us 2 days to get pregnant with are 59th child" (Okay so maybe on this one I might have exaggerated a tiny bit)

*"Do you really want another baby anyway? You would have to start all over and that would suck" (What? Babies are hard work? I didn't realize that.)

*"You should just be glad you were able to have one child, some people can't have any kids at all" (Yes, apparently wanting a sibling for my child is unthinkable and by wanting another child that makes us ungrateful for our Son we've been blessed with and we are horrible people)

The other thing I hate about struggling to get pregnant is that I know my pregnant friends and family might feel strange around me. It is bittersweet to hear someone else is pregnant. I am happy for them but sad for us and but after a good private cry after the initial announcement I am good. I still love talking about pregnancy and babies. I also love watching the baby bumps grow and seeing all those sweet pictures of newborns.

So if you are the praying type please keep us in your prayers. We have to decide where to go from here. This would all be so much easier if Lucas was still praying every night, "Dear God, please don't give me a baby brother or sister." However, out of nowhere Lucas has started to ask for a baby sister.

Clomid Can Suck It!

This is my second month taking Clomid and I am experiencing quite a few side effects. It's funny to think that such a small pill can cause such discomfort. It all started a few days ago with these awful headaches. The headaches subsided and brought bloating and abdominal pain. I was so bloated that I couldn't even zip my pants the other day. Ever since then I've been sticking to dresses and lounge pants. It literally feels like my ovaries are two large softballs hanging out in my abdomen. I just feel this constant pressure. Taking a pain reliever and taking it easy makes me feel 80% better. Curt has been extremely sweet and understanding and I've been just laying around and taking it easy.

Now that I am experiencing these side effects I now realize that I had a few last month too I just didn't realize it at the time. Last round I had horrible headaches and nausea and a few days of just feeling plain crappy. I totally thought my new glasses were to blame but now I know it was caused by a tiny white pill. I really hope that the side effects don't continue to get worse each round. Also, right now I am the lowest dose possible and after the third round the doctor is supposed to increase the dose, but as it stands right now I don't think I could tough that out. I am praying that I don't even have to make that decision.

Counting Every Day

This baby making stuff is more complicated then I thought it would be. We are in the middle of round 2 of trying with fertility medicine. Each round is a pretty lengthy process of about a month and a half (around 48 days.)

• Take Provera 2x a day for a week.
• Wait for another week for period to start (the start of it is day 1)
• Day 5-9 take clomid once a day
• Day 5-20 take mucinex one a day
• Day 12, 14, 16, 18, 20 "spend time together"
• Day 34 take a pregnancy test. If it's negative begin the whole cycle again.

If this second cycle doesn't work I have a RX for a third try. If that doesn't work then I go back to the doctor for higher dosage drugs. At this point I don't think I'm going to opt for the stronger drugs.

Guilty of Attempted Baby Making

We just finished our first attempt at baby making and it was unsuccessful. For some reason I didn't think we would wind up pregnant right away, but it is still disappointing. I took 5 different pregnancy tests over a week, and they all came back negative (I guess that's where the phrase "pissing your money away" comes from.... shh don't tell my Mom I just typed that.)

It is a very odd thing to suddenly be trying to get pregnant after all the years I spent trying to prevent it. Lucas was a complete surprise, we hadn't planned on having kids just yet. I didn't have to pop pills or count days of my cycle or lay in bed with my legs up in the air. He just kind of showed up. This trying to make a baby thing is a lot harder and more emotionally draining then it was just finding out "oops, we're having a baby." It makes me wonder if we missed our chance to have another one because we spent so much time preventing it.

I know we haven't been trying that long... only about 6 months but it's still hard. I haven't really talked about it with anyone because I feel almost guilty wanting another child when I already have one healthy amazing kid, like we already won the lottery but it still is not enough.

Speaking of Lucas, the other night I asked him to pray before bed instead of me doing it. He totally prayed "Dear God, please don't give me a baby brother or sister." Well, I guess one of our prayers is being answered. I keep telling myself that God gave us Lucas when it was the right time and if it is His right timing again it will happen, but I'm a pretty stubborn "I want it my way kind of girl." Personally, I think right now is a FABULOUS time to get pregnant. He or She would be born before my 30th birthday and before the deadline to claim the new baby on taxes. :-)

I still have prescriptions for two more rounds of attempted baby making (wow, that sounds like a criminal charge.) If that doesn't work I am supposed to go back to the OBGYN and get him to up the dosage. I don't know if I will do that or not. After two more rounds I'm not sure if I want to keep going this round or not. I am thinking about just requesting to be put on metformin for my PCOS and stop all of the keeping track of cycles and scheduled baby making. My appointment isn't until April though so I guess I just have to wait and see. Until then I'll be popping pills (I am actually due for my next Provera pill right NOW), counting days, and waiting by the mailbox for my copy of "Fertility for Dummies" to come in the mail.

Here Goes Nothing

Back in August, we took care of our nephew Joseph while my sister was busy giving birth to Joshua. Lucas and Joseph were so sweet together and Joseph even slept the entire night in Lucas bed.

After Joseph went back home Curt started talking about wanting another child. This was a big shock to me since for the whole 9 years we've been married he has always said he just wanted one child. Before I was diagnosed with PCOS I always dreamed about having 2 kids. Then not long after Curt and I were married I found out I had PCOS and might have trouble getting pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant with Lucas it was a complete surprise and I was just happy that God blessed us with one child.

People would ask us ALL THE TIME, "when are you having another baby," and we would tell them we were good with one. I didn't think Curt would ever change his mind, and I was fine with that because I didn't want to deal with the heartache of trying to have another child and then not being able to get pregnant again. But then Lucas had to go and be all sweet to his little nephew and suddenly Curt and I found ourselves talking about baby names and I stopped taking my birth control pills.

For some reason I thought I would get pregnant right away and I bought a million pregnancy tests knowing that I would get a positive test right away. When this didn't happen we decided to just have fun and if pregnancy happened it happened but we weren't going to stress about it. Then my PCOS symptoms starting rearing their ugly heads... bad acne, hair growth, weight gain, skin tags, pain from cysts, and no menstrual cycle. I hated to even leave the house some days. So I made an appointment before Thanksgiving with my midwife. I got a referral to another Doctor and on December 30th I walked out with a prescription for provera and clomid. I walked out of the office freaking out because it finally seemed real that we might have another baby.


On the way to drop off my prescription I asked Lucas what he thought about having a little brother or sister. He said he wanted an older brother and would maybe like a little brother. I asked him what he would think if he had a little sister and without skipping a beat he answered, "I'd hate her." Guess it's a good thing boys seem to run in our family. So far my parents have 6 Grandsons.


I still needed a few days for everything to sink in and I started taking Provera on January 3rd. I was told to take 1 pill twice a day for 7 days. I finished the last dose tonight. Now I wait for my period to show up and then 5 days from then I start clomid. So 2011 could end up being quite the exciting year! We will celebrate our 10th anniversary and possibly the birth of our second child.