What is the price of a little sanity?

me

Lucas is tucked into his crib and sleeping like a champ and now I can explain a little more about the title of my last post. Curt is a great Dad and husband, he really is, BUT I think he fails to realize how much I need a night now. We've got offers from his Mom to babysit almost any night during the week, and Curt's excuse is that he doesn't like to go out during the week because he is tired from work and has to get up early the next day, (Which I understand.) When I suggest we just go to dinner... Somewhere nearby he says he feels guilty asking someone to come all the way out to our house for such a short period. Now the latest thing is we don't have the money. I keep telling him we don't have to spend anything to just get out of the house.

He just doesn't understand and I don't know how to get him too. I love Lucas I really do but I need time away from him. I can balance my alone time while he sleeps but I don't have anytime to just talk to Curt because their is always that possibility that things will be interrupted by a little one crying and needing to be fed or comforted, no matter if it is Curt or me who is taking care of Lucas.

Today I just got so angry at Curt. Lucas was in his crib taking a nap and Curt was on the couch watching TV. I told Curt I would going to take a nap, and I tried to explain to Curt how I had been up since 6 AM with Lucas, but he just told me to go take a nap and he didn't need a lecture. I had been in the bedroom asleep maybe 15 minutes before Curt brings Lucas in to me saying he was awake and probably hungry. I was really annoyed because I had tried to explain to him that if he woke up he had already been fed he might just need to be rocked back to sleep... All I needed was an hour, especially since he was going off for yet another Saturday.

So we get into this discussion (not really a fight, but not just talking either) about how Lucas is used to me and I can stop him from crying and he can't. That is so not true. When I can't get him to stop crying Curt always can... And besides even if it was true, he won't ever be able to comfort him unless he tries. So Curt took Lucas outside and sat with him and told me to go take a nap. I was too angry to sleep so I just sat on the couch. Eventually Curt walks in with Lucas who starts crying. So he asks me what to try and while he is trying all these things Lucas falls asleep in his lap... And I take a nap on the couch.

I'm feeling really resentful that Curt has a Saturday night off every week. He'll tell me anytime I want to go out Friday or Sunday I can but it's not true... The only time I have left him to go out to a baby shower I get a call from him that I have to come home. The few times I have left him and Lucas to go to the grocery store it is the same thing. Now I just take him with me.

I would even be happy with taking Lucas with us to go out to dinner but he never wants to do that either because he says there are germs or something... aren't there germs at the grocery store when I take him with me? What about the few times we've taken him to have dinner with family? I'm also jealous of Nick the guy he works with... because they eat lunch out all the time. They talk all day long. They get to goof around. So he comes home to me tired, talked out, and just wanting to be home and eat in.