Our third round of Clomid is nearing the end. Luckily I haven't dealt with any real bad side effects this month. I need to make an appointment to go see the Doctor in a few weeks. Originally the plan was to get a higher dosage of Clomid if the first 3 cycles don't work but I keep going back and forth on what I want to do next. Some days I am DONE and I just want to go back to our life before we started trying for a baby. Just when I start to feel okay with no longer trying then I will find out that a friend is pregnant or see a new baby or notice siblings playing and my heart will start aching.
This has been such a roller coaster ride. I didn't know before starting this journey just how hard this would be emotionally. Even though I'm not pregnant this whole process hasn't been all bad. It has brought Curt and I are even closer. It is also strengthening my Faith. I've gotten back into doing devotions and I've been trying to rely on God for comfort even though I've had more than my share of "Really, God?!" moments and I'm still struggling with them.
Another hard part of this whole process is learning to ignore people's comments. I know so many friends and family mean well but sometimes I can't get over what people say without thinking. I don't mind answering questions about how things are going and I appreciate prayers and words of support but some things are better left unsaid. Here are just a few of the ones I remember off the top of my hear:
*"Why aren't you pregnant yet?" (Because trying is so much fun)
*"You just need to have more sex" (What? Sex? We haven't thought of trying yet. Thanks!)
*"Just relax and let it happen" (Right because THAT is how you make a baby)
*"I understand what you are going through, it took us 2 days to get pregnant with are 59th child" (Okay so maybe on this one I might have exaggerated a tiny bit)
*"Do you really want another baby anyway? You would have to start all over and that would suck" (What? Babies are hard work? I didn't realize that.)
*"You should just be glad you were able to have one child, some people can't have any kids at all" (Yes, apparently wanting a sibling for my child is unthinkable and by wanting another child that makes us ungrateful for our Son we've been blessed with and we are horrible people)
The other thing I hate about struggling to get pregnant is that I know my pregnant friends and family might feel strange around me. It is bittersweet to hear someone else is pregnant. I am happy for them but sad for us and but after a good private cry after the initial announcement I am good. I still love talking about pregnancy and babies. I also love watching the baby bumps grow and seeing all those sweet pictures of newborns.
So if you are the praying type please keep us in your prayers. We have to decide where to go from here. This would all be so much easier if Lucas was still praying every night, "Dear God, please don't give me a baby brother or sister." However, out of nowhere Lucas has started to ask for a baby sister.